Show of hands “How many ladies have been that amazing, ride or die UNOFFICIAL girlfriend only to never make it to Mrs. Offical? (waits for congregational MMPPPH) Lets jump right on into these murky waters shall we?
You meet a man, you go on dates, he’s sending you those super cute text messages “Hey sexy just thinking about you” or how about this one “Damn I miss you” and you stare at the message for a whole 5 mins feeling all tingly inside. You have sleep overs, you cook your best dish for him which you deem is your specialty as a chef. You’re supportive when he’s having a terrible day, offering him words of encouragement and optimism. You become intimate, offering him your precious noni, your A++ oral sex (because after all you know you will be together) and the chemistry in UNDENIABLE. As time progresses the more you are becoming comfortable in his life and the more you are incorporating him in your life.
THEN IT HAPPENS…. ” I mean we not together” gut punched that ass right out of fairytale land….
For whatever reason, an argument, a misunderstanding of plans, and expectations not met….he feels the need to remind you that sis you are a single woman, you have not held the ceremony in which he has you kneel before him as his touches his sword on both shoulders saying ” I OFFICALLY DEEM YOU GIRLFRIEND OF LORD TYRONE” I mean because everyone knows there’s a ceremony that takes place in a mans head that makes any and all things official right?
You’re pissed…..I mean and rightfully so right? You’ve put your best wifey foot forward, you’ve shown him that you are not only a woman that can support his emotional and mental needs, you’ve shown him your Le Cordon Bleu culinary skills, your Janet Jacme sex game and you’re a praying woman that prayed for HIS ass on the regular.
I pose this question; ARE WE GIVING TOO MUCH TOO SOON? Are we showing our entire hand without even surveying the other poker players? Are you oblivious to the signs because you are swimming alone in your oasis of bullshit?
Lets face it, majority of times a grown woman who is in a good place in life, ready to let someone in will let the man lead the direction of the relationship as well as the speed UNLESS its just something in particular shes not ready for but if shes feeling him what isn’t she ready for? lol Is he to blame for this unforeseen destination in what-the-fuckville or have you inadvertently switched seats into the drivers side flooring it to 150 mph with no seat belt screaming YOLO…
For reason like this is why the “30,60,90 day rules” became implemented from woman everywhere wanting to avoid the “Bish you not my girlfriend ” text. This is how walls become higher, guards become stronger and skepticism implants itself.
So how do you know how much to give and when to give it? Do you need to become official for the added security of “yes we are on the same page”? Many times men do not realize what they have until what? “ITS GONE”
Men tend to think at a slower pace when it comes to relationships so what we women see now they see in 3 months, ask any man, these are FACTS. Unfortunately what normally happens is by the time the man realizes his mistake, that wonderwoman has already moved on with a light just a tad dimmer than before you, a wall just a smidge higher and a triple reinforced guard.
These questions I pose aren’t easily answered with a simple straight to the point answer, it is multifaceted with many dimensions. The best answer I can give you is (drum roll) ” IT REALLY DEPENDS ON WHERE THAT MAN IS IN HIS LIFE” If he is not ready for a full on relationship then sis no matter how great of a cook you are, how sloppy the toppy is or how funny you are…..he will not commit. Period. They say when a man is ready to give a woman his all its a magical thing. Not only is he open to giving love but he’s open to receiving love, this creates vulnerability in anyone open and ready and quite frankly no one likes the discomfort of being completely vulnerable. One of the most important things in ANY relationship is COMMUNICATION… speak with a soft tongue never with egos. Hear to listen not to only respond. Work on therapeutic communication in your relationship in order to cultivate a positive space for communication where honesty and truth is safe. Lets be completely honest, no one likes to tell the truth when it could hurt so we tell little lies and bend the truth to seek the comfort of another. That’s great and all but now we are misrepresenting something: an emotion, a thought… something isn’t being portrayed as we truly feel. Be truthful with one another, If you’re ready for something serious say it, if you aren’t : say that as well. We cannot be afraid to communicate or afraid to show an emotion first……Fear cannot live amongst love……..
..And just know if this doesn’t work out with Mr. McDreamy…. there’s another Mr. McHottie coming soon who will appreciate everything you have to offer and more. Never lose your faith in Love!
Signed,
TSH
The Sophisticated Hussy 
I think it goes both ways thou!? I always feel like this when a relationship ends! I feel like I went too hard to early and that person always fucks me over emotionally at the end!! Damn that shit kinda hit home too!!
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Yes it absolutely can go both ways. A lot of men go hard out the gate because they known what they want only to have his efforts met by a aunt shit woman that messes it up for the next woman
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Great read..
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Great read, very timely with the fresh new year! Both men and women need to read this a few times and take this in.
As for myself (and I tell my friends), I have this dialogue IN THE FIRST TWO REAL CONVERSATIONS that has prevented a lot of what you described…after many debacles.
Goes something like… “I find you intriguing and I feel like the feeling is mutual. Can we both put our best foot forward and see where this goes. Let’s be real, this is a mutual interview process. If find you desirable, I’m sure others do as well. So let’s never assume. I’m not asking you to stop anything your doing, allow me to seperate myself from the pack and I hope vice versa. That said, if our “dating” feelings begin to change and we want a monogamous relationship, let’s give each other 30 days notice.”
***Insert Raised Eyebrows and Rolling Eyes Here***
“Wait, wait…don’t close your mind. Look, relationship’s are based upon honesty. All to often people jump into relationships without tieing up loose ends that come back to haunt them. For example…deep down you have a few male “friends” who could be surprised that your seeing someone exclusively and vice versa. Some will go away quietly and some might need some “management.” Not trying to hurt anyone in the transition. Let’s take those 30 days and wrap all that stuff up so that when we start our committed relationship we start with clarity, without excuse or doubts.”
Works for me, may not work for all. As you pointed out COMMUNICATION is key.
Great blog, great topic.
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I have been in this situation one too many times. It’s incredibly frustrating to give so much and get nothing in return. Only to watch him give another girl what you worked so hard for.
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Ok after staring at some shiny legs for 10 minutes, I decided to read your blog. I don’t think women give in too fast. Sometimes you have to read the person before you give too much. We are often blinded by what’s on the outside and refuse to see what that person has to offer within.
Patience comes reward.
Great read
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First of all very interesting article. Now I would like to leave my two cents as a man. You will only be able to require from a man the standards you allow. For instance of you allow yourself to be with a man to not define your relationship. You can not be mad at him, of you guys never discussed who you are to him. Why would you want a man who can’t give you a title like girlfriend or wife. I read Steve Harvey’s book he had alot of things right, and at the same time alot of things I disagreed with. Who says you must have a 30,60, 90 day rule. If you are putting out just to keep him, you have already lost him. My wife was a virgin when I married her and she waited because of her faith. Now I will admit I was far from a virgin, but I respected her standards and believe this is what God wants from us. If he can’t wait on your most precious gift, what type of control will he have when you are married, on your period, post pregnancy. Now regarding McDreamy if you want your Derek go back and watch how patient her was and in love with Meredith from the first moment he met her. Find someone who get lost in you before, you get lost in him. Ask yourself what’s your worth, and let him show you. Don’t give discount and special offers, it only cheapens the product. Most importantly wait until the receipt says paid in full. My wife was worth it, the question is are you.
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